THIS IS NOT THE FINAL POSTING, so don’t get your hopes up. i just felt obligated to share this lovely story with you.
a few weeks ago my roommate was out of town….so what did i do? got trashed at the movie theater and went downtown alone, duh. and surprise, surprise…someone came home with me. granted, i told him that he could “walk me home, but not take me home.” whatever the fuck that means, i still woke up alone, covered in hickeys and blood.
needless to say, having lunch with my father that day was an uncomfortable affair (despite having washed the dried blood off my face and knotting a scarf around my neck).
things i learned:
1. don’t be so rough, nosebleeds aren’t sexy
2. don’t chug wine. wine hangovers are a bitch
and the most gratifying thing of all:
3. cursing someone with blue balls is almost more fun that giving someone the wonderful gift of great sex
my dear friends, avid readers, and loyal followers,
after much deliberation, i have decided that i will no longer be posting for fu, propriety. yes, i know, this is probably going to ruin your life (or at least your week), but hear me out. the original premise of this blog was to detail the “sexcapades and misadventures of a reformed good girl”; while i will forever remain a freak in the bed, i have decided to try out the ‘lady in the street’ side of life. this being the case, i will no longer have new material to provide you with laughter and endless entertainment and (some) knowledge. HOWEVER! this by no means implies that i am deleting this blog- the stories will forever remain on the world wide web for your enjoyment.
as a peace offering, i have decided to write one more post. it will be so vulgar, so hilarious, and so taboo that you might possibly forgive me for my quarter-life crisis.
|—||Natalie Portman (via loveanndbelovedd)|
i’m writing this as my gay bff brushes my super tangled hair, so if anything is misspelled…well, there’s your reason.
anyway, yes, i am a senior at the number one party school IN THE NATION (if that is not a good enough reason to attend this fine establishment, then i don’t know what is). everyone has a cross to bear, and mine just happens to be living up to that title.
i started off my days here as an awkward girl from a small town, with a shitty haircut and a flat chest (read: not the ideal conditions in which to make friends). luckily, i was tagging along to college with my best friend and soon met the love of my life. he, however, liked men just as much as i did…but only one of us knew it (i’m sure you can guess which one). i honestly believe it’s the friends you have that make your college experience, and you will find those wherever you choose to go.
anyway, here are some insider tips for going to college:
- get a GOOD fake i.d. (whether or not you like to drink, you will eventually succumb to peer pressure). however, know that a reproduction license is a felony, so steal your older sister’s.
- flirt with people. i mean EVERYONE. this makes you friends and enemies, so you are sure to have some excitement in your life.
ok, i’m out of advice. but mainly because the only two things i’m good at in life are drinking and flirting (and of course, the things that flirting leads to). if you aren’t from georgia, then you will probably need further convincing. but if you are…well…you should know better.
fuck yeah you do, i’m hilarious! but word of advice- start at the first post and wade your way to the present. i used to be a lot
ps. i love that crazy hair of yours
hey guys (and i specifically mean readers with a penis), self-conscious about the size of your dick? well, check this out and realize that your life could be a lot worse. and for even more awkward laughs, this is another hysterical (albeit clothed) site about the male form.
When you add someone to a list on facebook they get a notification about it. Well, there goes my “cunts from school who I don’t want stalking me” limited profile list……
|—||Degrassi (via bitchimadinosaurr)|